You have issues! So, to help you out, we thought we’d share our unsurpassable knowledge of dealing with social and personal problems by tackling a few difficult-to-answer questions, of the sort usually handled by any number of online and in print agony aunts (and uncles). These queries are real and actual, submitted by friends and anonymous shame-faced social retards, who genuinely had nowhere else to go. If you have any questions of your own, email firstname.lastname@example.org. As soon as we get questions, we’ll get answering.
Here are this week’s conundrums:
Dear Average is Dumb,
I have a serious social problem: my voice is really loud, intrusive and shrill, and unfortunately carries on the wind and into the ears of people I may be talking about. Because of this I often have prolonged moments of horror, during which I attempt to convince myself that the person in question hasn’t heard me talking about their sexual proclivities or whatever. I know I should probably just stop talking about other people when they’re in the area, but sometimes it’s unavoidable! Help me, Average is Dumb!
Loud-mouthed Social Outcast
Purchase a megaphone, and using it in reverse, speak into the wide end so that the volume of your voice is understated rather than amplified. If you then become angry, or see a wrongdoing in progress (such as someone robbing a William Hill or scolding a puppy child) you can then magnify your voice in the conventional manner to ear-drum splitting levels. You can maybe even use the instrument as a prop when discussing said friend’s “sexual proclivities”.
You have three options:
a) Speech Therapy. It may be costly, but the things you learn you will carry through life. Think of the deep and soft voice you may be able to possess, and of all the problems it will get you out of. If you don’t think you could spare the money, why don’t you try training yourself? Think silk, think honey, think mollasses, and before you know it you could have a smooth voice that is both useful for bitching, and is pretty sexy.
b) Stop bitching. Or before you open your mouth to wax lyrical about what you dislike or find weird about someone, take a quick look around you. Are they in sight? Is their best friend or mother in sight? Yes? Don’t say anything. No? Go free like the wind, but maybe check every so often to see if they have entered a 5 metre square radius from you. Maybe invest in some wing mirrors.
c) Use code names. Failing the previous options, and you have just found yourself talking loudly and shrilly about someone near by, try to cover it up the best you can. Say you were talking about Louise having a bad haircut, but notice she is pretty close to you, quickly say to the people you are talking to, “Oh wait, I don’t think you know this Louise, I am talking about Louise Smith, who is not the Louise here tonight, she is the one who goes to other parties.” Or even better, if you can manage it, “Yes, so that is what I think about GEORGIA’S hair.”
Dear Average is Dumb,
I am a terrible judge of character. Sometimes I don’t realise a new friend is a dick until we’ve practically moved in together, or at least started to hang out regularly. How can I see past their early charm to the utterly dysfuntional and irritating person underneath? I can’t deal with cutting yet another person out of my life. Maybe I just attract people who are ugly inside.
Practically Friendless By Now
I think you may be worrying too much. Everyone is capable of having friends that aren’t complete wastes-of-space, as long as they look in the right place for them.
How about this: think of the friends you already have (who you don’t hate), and choose your favourite. Considering you actually like this particular person, chances are you’ll like their friends too, so steadily befriend them one-by-one until you have successfully stolen them all for yourself. This is also particularly effective if you get a girlfriend or boyfriend, because it’s a lot easier to dump one of those: choose them and use them for their excellent friends and acquaintances, then end the relationship (claiming you’re ‘not ready’, or some other standard reason) and subsequently slander your ex with malicious rumours so everyone stops liking them and sees you in some sort of glowing, contrasting light.
Really, though, friends take time to make, so stop rushing into things. And try moving somewhere good, like South London. That might help.
Watch any random episode of Skins. You will realise that having a bunch of dick-faced, charmless, whorish, unfunny, dated, ugly-inside-and-out companions can make you MILLIONS. Provided you film it all.
Dear Average is Dumb,
Much Diet Coke in a day is too much?
Concerned Diet Coke Drinker
I wouldn’t worry about Diet Coke, although my teacher did leave a filthy penny in a glass of it when I was in primary school as an experiment and it cleaned it better than bleach. It’s Dr Pepper you have to worry about; common knowledge that Dr Pepper makes you infertile.
There is no such thing as too much Diet Coke! Don’t believe the fearmongers! Coca-Cola wouldn’t lie!
Why would you drink Diet Coke?
The Average is Dumb Team